A process for finding the value in disappointments
Disappointment is a common human experience—whether it’s a trusted friend letting you down, a client choosing someone else, or a dream job slipping through your fingers.
Sometimes the hardest kind of disappointment is when we disappoint ourselves. Either way, if left unaddressed, these feelings can grow, becoming more intense and controlling. So what should we do when we’re disappointed?
I often turn to Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Acknowledge-Validate-Permit framework, originally designed to help kids process their feelings. I’ve found that these principles apply just as well to adults. After all, many of us are dealing with the same challenges—we’re just taller now. :)
Acknowledge: The first step requires self-observation and emotional literacy. I recommend using the Mood Meter chart, which helps identify and label emotions accurately. The scales for energy level and low/high pleasantness are valuable clues in figuring out what you’re feeling, especially for those of us who tend to live in our heads.
By acknowledging our feelings, we prevent them from festering beneath the surface, where they only become more forceful. Once we can name emotions, they become less scary and easier to understand.
Validate: Second, we must recognize that it’s okay to feel the way we do. Phrases like, “It makes sense that I feel this way” or “I wish things had gone differently” can be powerful prompts to complete mentally, verbally, or in writing. Validation is about permitting yourself to feel without judgment, which is crucial for moving through the emotion rather than getting stuck in it.
Permit: The next step is to allow yourself to experience your emotions fully. We often try to suppress or dismiss uncomfortable feelings, but doing so only makes them more persistent. Remember: feelings won’t last forever; they don’t define every aspect of your life, and they aren’t all of who you are. Allowing yourself to feel fully releases the emotions hold, which is crucial for moving forward.
Narrate: Finally, I like to build on Dr. Becky’s previous steps to consider the story you tell yourself about your experiences. We have the power to shape the meaning, growth, and beliefs we take away from disappointment, but we can’t do that without first acknowledging, validating, and permitting our emotions—then examining the whole story.
For example, you could ask yourself questions like:
What can I learn from this?
What am I proud of in how I handled this situation?
What values or priorities does it clarify for me?
What support or resources can I use to help me move forward?
What can I be grateful for in this challenging situation?
This topic has been a good reminder for me as I’ve dealt with a lot of disappointment lately.
My husband and I bought a house that required significantly more work than anyone anticipated. I was disappointed that instead of moving in and enjoying the space, we lived out of boxes for two months. I spent lots of time on the left side of the mood meter chart: worried, angry, exhausted, and discouraged [acknowledge]. It made sense—we weren't expecting this. It’s been stressful financially and required relentlessly grueling work [validate]. All those feelings were valid, AND I knew we'd eventually get through it [permit].
Thanks to the efforts of my husband, our parents, and my bestie, I’ve learned there is support all around from family, friends, and colleagues. I’m proud I could be present enough most days to see glimmers of joy and possibility here [narrate].
I once read that life is beautiful and terrible, often at the same time.
The point of personal growth is to expand enough to hold the reality of both the beautiful and terrible parts of life without losing sight of the potential meaning contained on both sides. Trying to skip over or rush through disappointment robs us of the opportunity to find that meaning—and the growth that comes with it.
Photo by freddie marriage