The distance of leadership—and a framework for connection
In the FAQ category, clients share, “I get feedback saying I’m distant or arrogant or cold… How can I help people feel like I’m connecting with them?”
Many explain that they don’t have time for small talk or talking about feelings, but they also don’t want to continue receiving feedback that they’re cold and arrogant when they do care about people. They just can’t seem to show it in a way that feels both genuine to them and acceptable to others—especially in light of their leadership role.
Underlying themes and assumptions
I’ve noticed a couple of themes underlying this question across clients and industries.
First, it can be incredibly confusing to be a leader. While the world is screaming at us to be authentic, it often seems the feedback is “No, not THAT type of authentic. That’s not what we’re looking for.”
This is understandably experienced as a deeply personal rejection that can send people into a shame spiral. Yet nobody provides a manual on how to bridge this gap.
In addition, we tend to assume what people most need from us are answers and that they need them as quickly as possible. We put pressure on ourselves to make sure we get solutions right the first time and then stick to them (often in the name of professionalism). In doing this, we end up trying to connect to information while they’re trying to connect to us.
What people most need from us is our presence and attention.
The good news is that we don’t have to connect the way other people connect or figure out the mystery of “authentic leadership.” We can build the skill of connecting in ways that are more comfortable, practical, and genuine for us, essentially building a bridge and inviting others to meet in the middle.
Rather than a list of do’s and don’ts, most clients have heard me talk about using two simple questions to connect: "What happened?" and "What was that like for YOU?"
What happened? - This question serves as a doorway to understanding. By asking about the facts and details of a situation, we set aside assumptions and open ourselves up to a clearer understanding of the reality others have experienced.
What was that like for YOU? - Here lies the heart of empathy. By inviting others to share their personal experiences, emotions, and perspectives, we bridge the gap between us and them, fostering deeper connections and mutual understanding. Even if you feel like you already know the answer to this question, it’s important for them to have the opportunity to verbalize it themselves. Plus they might surprise you!
A powerful framework for authentic connection
Together, these two questions create a powerful framework for authentic connection.
Authenticity: By focusing on others' experiences rather than our assumptions, we cultivate authenticity in our interactions, fostering genuine connections built on trust and mutual respect.
Empathy: Asking about others' experiences shows that we not only care but also that we believe them, not only validating their feelings but also demonstrating trust and empathy. This strengthens relationships and creates a supportive environment where everyone feels heard and understood.
Understanding: Through active listening and genuine curiosity, we gain a deeper understanding of others' perspectives, enriching our own worldview and broadening our horizons.
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com